I Decided to Die a Long Time Ago#
I couldn't find a purpose, so I chose to leave. Maybe I was never truly whole.
My Birth#
I was born in a small village that was occasionally noisy but usually peaceful.
My grandfather was just like my father, at least in character.
The most painful memory for me is about my grandmother - she passed away when I was very young. According to relatives, she was killed by my grandfather. I remember that when I first picked up a paintbrush, I imagined a scene of my grandmother being beaten to the point of coughing up blood. That was my tragic artistic enlightenment.
As for my mother, her love surpassed all reason, which deeply moved me but also filled me with disappointment.
My Childhood#
The paternal elders couldn't take care of me, so I was entrusted to my maternal grandmother, which is commonly known as "returning to the mother's family." This was unusual in the countryside and inevitably led to gossip.
I lived near the old battlefield of the Huaihai Campaign and often found leftover bullets and rifles. So much so that when I was in junior high, I could still pick up unfired bullets on the roadside. They were useful things. Unfortunately, most of them disappeared when I took them to play with my fellow villagers.
Most of my childhood memories have become blurred, but there are still some memories that are unforgettable:
I watched the black-and-white Journey to the West, the colored Journey to the West, and the animated Journey to the West for a long time. With so many versions of Journey to the West to watch, I was still very happy.
In the winter before I started school, I suddenly felt very happy and took my grandmother to a small shop one kilometer away to buy a pack of firecrackers. We had a great time. That should have been the happiest moment of my life.
The first time I lied was in second grade because I didn't do my homework. That day, I was immersed in watching TV and lied that I had already done it. I pieced together the previous day's content. Although the content was the same, who would submit two half-filled sheets of paper as homework?
The first time I realized that reasoning couldn't solve everything was in second grade when I was bullied by a classmate. Even if I told the teacher, it wouldn't make a difference. Only when I fought back against the teacher would they punish me.
The first time I became addicted to a game was in fifth grade when I played Plants vs. Zombies. It was fun back then, and it's still fun now.
My Adolescence#
The influence of people is always profound during middle school. It was a departure from the immaturity of elementary school and ensured clear memories.
During junior high, my eyes revealed ignorance and confusion about the world. At that time, I felt confused but couldn't fully understand my own feelings. Later, I chose to take a break from school and transferred to a strict disciplinary school in the second year. There, I gradually adapted to the strict rules and found my own happiness. Getting along well with classmates, I experienced what is called "normal" during that time.
Junior high ended, and I got into the second-ranked high school, which was considered satisfactory.
But I don't want to mention it anymore. Those are some memories that made me collapse. And now I have other things to do.
My Youth#
Perhaps it refers to the present.
Unable to sleep all night, unable to sleep all day. I finally have to face the problems I've been avoiding for many years.
Who am I, where am I, what do I want to do?
I've spent 8 years searching for the answers to these questions, but unfortunately, I haven't found them yet.
I don't know my purpose, so I died. I don't think I'm a complete person.
A complete person can live on inertia, but I can only rely on the will of others.
So I Say#
I am someone who needs to be needed.
I am here.
I have nothing to do.
Perhaps I should die.
But first, I want to meet those friends I've never met before.
I don't even know if I'm ready. I really wish I could ask those friends who have passed away if they are in pain.